Unlovable

When I was a kid, I used to sit outside on the veranda at my grandma's house. I would sit there for hours staring out at the sky, the grass, the dogs in the yard but mostly just staring at the rain. Even as a kid, I never doubted the existence of God, I just knew He was there...I didn't learn it from school or from my family or anything, I just sort of knew there was someone looking out for me. And I took comfort in the love and warmth I felt and He is my best friend til now. God was my best friend, and talk to him I did. Everyday, every night, I just knew someone was listening...

Unfortunately, I'm not good at being a person. I have a very clear conscience, almost too unbearably clear. It's a loud voice which converses to me and the thought of ignoring it makes me feel like suffocating. So I would never, I can't. Take for instance, my years studying in langkawi away from home. I could have tried ciggies, drugs, alcohol or sex, they were all abundant and the Lord knows everyone around did but weird strange ol' me...I wasn't even tempted. I know, it's a good thing, but seriously, it ain't normal. I was curious, I wasn't tempted. I was a teenager, shouldn't I have a lapse in judgement once in a while? Shouldn't I be rebellious and carefree and hormon crazy? What the hell was wrong with me? I'm supposed to be human, not a robot. God, I didn't even had a bf, now that's abnormal..

Wanna know what else is wrong? I've never had a best friend who could actually tolerate me. I have close friends true, but not an actual bestie. There something in me that people can't stand and I can't fix it coz I know it's my bloody nagging conscience which stops me from being fun and I can't fix it. 

I'm not my parents' favorite kid. I'm too unbossy and I'm too mature and I'm too stable and I grew up away from home, hence my parents don't know me. I was told I'm a horrible gf and I knw I loved my ex to the depths but it blew up in my face.

Now I'm in love with the most wonderful guy, and at the bottom of my heart, I go to sleep each night praying please let it last forever and please don't ever make me go through what i went thru again. Yet tonight as I hug myself to sleep, I knw I didn't do a good job handling the argument we had earlier. And as he went to sleep without a good night or a hint of things will be ok, here I am again, wide awake with fears of getting dump, turmoil in my head, and wild running imaginations of break up scenarios, made up love scenes of his exes and crazy thoughts of the possibilities of him ever cheating on me. I suck. I know. I'm bloody crazy. I know. Most of all, I'm unlovable...believe me, I knew it since I was 3 years old.