The Battle Between Good and Evil

So I woke, and it hits me, a serious bout of depression. PMS? Maybe, only god knows, I lost count of the days again.There I was staring into space, well at the only 2 dots of light in the room really, and I was so count in my own tangle of human emotion and thoughts. Scary how much a woman's brain can retain from last night's troubles til the moment she wakes up and every single feeling remains exactly the same. Scary.


So yea, in the battle between light and darkness, darkness is like when I stayed there laying wide eyed and alone. Every pain feels deathly real and the realist calls it "life". And for people like me, I should probably grow up and accept that as the bleak truth that whats painful and makes you fill hollow inside is being rational and it's your guts telling you something. But the Bible and the Quran did forewarned you that when things are tough, the Devil will be your best friend, pulling you deeper into sorrows and hopelessness. 

Then I forced myself to snap out of it. Focusing on every single ounce of happy energy I have in me I thought is this really me thinking it's the end? Or there's someone whispering doubts in my ear? Now that freaked me out BIG time. Man, got  me saying my Doas out loud. Was scary the thought of having Mr. Devil so close to me. Just that he has always been depicted ugly and scary but he is a fallen angel, and he was the most beautiful before us humans existed. God is in the times you love and you cherish and pray for the best. God is in the best of His creations. Mr. Devil is good at this game since his been playing this battle since the dawn of time, he knows the perfect time and the perfect opponent. He wouldn't choose to mess with us if he didn't think we are worth it. Bonds of love and trust is the most treasured in heaven and he knows if we break, it's another win. I should hold on, trust in love and in God because He wouldn't give me this time in my life if it's not something worthwhile. I believe we can work if we try, if only my other half believes it too :((.

Constricted

Feels like my chest is devoid of air

It's like the air gushed out and I'm in outer space and I don't have an oxygen tank attached to my suit

I can't breathe easy..it's been a while I can't breathe easy

Can't you tell you're killing me?

Paranoia is a disease and I'm dying of it..

Silence is loud, so loud my ears are bleeding, I'm screaming in pain

Why the hell can't you hear me???!!!

Bloody nerves, they're frayed

I've no guts

I'm holding on to the last threads of our love like a life jacket when I'm lost at sea

Truth is I'm already surrounded by those bastard white sharks

So here I am begging, do something...PLEASE DO SOMETHING before it's too late...

Being in Love with Love

Every girl has a fairy tale. Even if she is a hard core feminist, some long long time ago, when she was a young teenager, before her first heartache, I'm sure she had a fairy tale she wanted to believe in.

Mine, is a classic. Feeding each other spaghetti, clinking our sweating glasses of Champagne. Somewhere in the not so far distance, stand our home, stone and vines crawling up its walls. My little daughter and her brother off somewhere picking berries for our dessert. He tenderly kisses my cheek, and twirls a strand of my hair, musing about how beautiful our life is...

I'm enrolled in a university somewhere in Rome, I study fashion design or architecture or just language, I  spend time in the old libraries, study on the sprawling lawns....I'm a working mum, I own my own line of clothes and perfume, I write novels and publish them, we own a small cafe, where we serve pasta and wine and italian coffee..... I garden and cook for my family with the vegetables and herbs I grow in my garden. He pulls me into his embrace as I make dinner, soft sweet whispers of nothings in my ear and I turn around and give him a little lick of the wooden spatula of whatever I'm cooking. Life is busy, but never too busy for me to spend time with my family and my loving husband. On weekends we cycle to the market, just like young couples on a date, giggling and laughing and teasing each other. We have lunch with our parents, aunts, uncles and in-laws and siblings, outdoors in our vineyard, my children growing up close to their cousins. 

Evenings curled up in front of the fire, cozy and drowsy, we read books out loud, or watch an old movie, snow falls lightly like feathers outside our window...

Every night I watch as he falls asleep, softly tracing the outlines of his face, awed by how great Allah is, how wonderful life is, and how beautiful my kids are. A combination of me and him, green eyes, brunette wavy hair, stubborn and determined like me, in love with music and art and dance and soccer like their dad.

My fairy tale, what has become of it, time passed and I feel I'm losing grip, it's fading away, my beautiful husband, my gorgeous kids....the life I want so desperately. 

 

Time

They say the tides of time can change everything. It can flood over and stimulate growth, healthy growth of respect, mutual understanding, maturity and most of all remind you of why you loved in the first place. It can also go warily wrong. Damage already rusted pillars of trust, corrode in corners with envy, fill hearts with impatience. Potent enemies like 3rd parties seek this time to take over, when your at your weakest, most vulnerable. 

I'm a woman, it is in my instinct to take care of the ones I love, to nurture the relationship with too much love, too much care, I'll spoil you rotten, just for the pleasure of seeing you smile. Your smile lights up my day. I constantly worry, I'm not doing enough, I'm not partaking enough or sharing enough, I'm scared because I know, I'm human and I can be selfish sometimes. And then I worry, I so want to be perfect, to do everything right for us.

As I sit silently and watched you today, I was sick, very sick and very scared and it registered to me that I'm not the one you're caring about at the moment. Your mind is somewhere else, somewhere worrying about her. Where do I stand in all this? Do I matter? I asked you and your answer is I've got a headache and I don't want to talk, all I want is to switch off my phone and be alone. Is that you talking me? The one who I patiently loved, and cared and put you before everyone and everything else. I have loved you selflessly all this while, I backed down for every single argument because I can't stand hurting you, I convinced myself that you love me but perhaps you don't know how to show it. But now as I lay here pondering with tears running down my face, what if you're my everything but I'm nothing to you...

"The great tragedy of life is not that men perish, but that they cease to love."

what trust means...

I trust you because I love you but you don't respect me enough to even think for a second how I'll feel before you do something. You've decided, end of discussion. You expect me to trust you no matter what. I do but I think you take my feelings for granted.

Unlovable

When I was a kid, I used to sit outside on the veranda at my grandma's house. I would sit there for hours staring out at the sky, the grass, the dogs in the yard but mostly just staring at the rain. Even as a kid, I never doubted the existence of God, I just knew He was there...I didn't learn it from school or from my family or anything, I just sort of knew there was someone looking out for me. And I took comfort in the love and warmth I felt and He is my best friend til now. God was my best friend, and talk to him I did. Everyday, every night, I just knew someone was listening...

Unfortunately, I'm not good at being a person. I have a very clear conscience, almost too unbearably clear. It's a loud voice which converses to me and the thought of ignoring it makes me feel like suffocating. So I would never, I can't. Take for instance, my years studying in langkawi away from home. I could have tried ciggies, drugs, alcohol or sex, they were all abundant and the Lord knows everyone around did but weird strange ol' me...I wasn't even tempted. I know, it's a good thing, but seriously, it ain't normal. I was curious, I wasn't tempted. I was a teenager, shouldn't I have a lapse in judgement once in a while? Shouldn't I be rebellious and carefree and hormon crazy? What the hell was wrong with me? I'm supposed to be human, not a robot. God, I didn't even had a bf, now that's abnormal..

Wanna know what else is wrong? I've never had a best friend who could actually tolerate me. I have close friends true, but not an actual bestie. There something in me that people can't stand and I can't fix it coz I know it's my bloody nagging conscience which stops me from being fun and I can't fix it. 

I'm not my parents' favorite kid. I'm too unbossy and I'm too mature and I'm too stable and I grew up away from home, hence my parents don't know me. I was told I'm a horrible gf and I knw I loved my ex to the depths but it blew up in my face.

Now I'm in love with the most wonderful guy, and at the bottom of my heart, I go to sleep each night praying please let it last forever and please don't ever make me go through what i went thru again. Yet tonight as I hug myself to sleep, I knw I didn't do a good job handling the argument we had earlier. And as he went to sleep without a good night or a hint of things will be ok, here I am again, wide awake with fears of getting dump, turmoil in my head, and wild running imaginations of break up scenarios, made up love scenes of his exes and crazy thoughts of the possibilities of him ever cheating on me. I suck. I know. I'm bloody crazy. I know. Most of all, I'm unlovable...believe me, I knew it since I was 3 years old.

Done with assignments..

Sometimes, very seldom, MMU gives us kind, understanding lecturers.

Get this, my lappy hard disk died on me, I lost everything inside. Most IMPORTANT...my ASSIGNMENTS. i lost it all. I'm 3 weeks behind in presentation and bout 4 weeks, a month behind in submission, yet my lecturer is nice enough to lemme do my presentation and submit my assignments. True, I didn't do any of it on purpose but I swear, Ms. Phang and Mdm. Prabha are the only 2 nice lady lecturers left in MMU. God bless their soul.
If I pass this subject, it's because my lecturer decided that I'm worth giving another chance and I thank god for that. :)